Thursday, October 25, 2012

Paradise Deserved

When the parents get someone (i.e. grandma)  to baby sit their child, two deep thoughts penetrate their minds. The first one is how could they make themselves scarce together and the second one is how to maximise that, to avoid any forms of dead times. Needless to say, at least one day off is compulsory and it should be used to go to the land no nappy, no toy under 19.99 euros that goes on and on and could drive a monk crazy, and so forth and so forth. In short, one should go to a place of utter serenity and complete oblivion.

And, for the utter oblivion and complete serenity, nothing beats a whole, full, entire day at the sauna. For those who are not familiar to the Dutch way of sauna-ing, allow me a very short introduction. A sauna is an umbrella term for a place that comprises a few saunas (yes, I know you got that, but lemme go further). It's not only saunas (or steam/Turkish baths), there are lots of small pools, hot, warm, cold, damn cold, whirling, salty or not, etc, in which you can dump yourself after having raised your body temperature to a few degrees more. By being in the sauna, hellooo!

Next to this, a nice and cosy restaurant completes the place and some resting places, also with a few degrees of silencing: from the normal ones in the restaurant to the "dead still" beds where you could take a nap. One detail to complete the description: saunas are mixed and you walk around naked. I will not insist in giving you spicy details, to avoid some unpleasant explanations in the eventuality that my wife reads this. And, of course, you're swaying your privates inside the sauna only, in the restaurant you put a bath robe on.

Now, if you get to go there twice a year, you may want to be prepared. For this, you book a massage in advance, so you won't feel like the village idiot as you did last time when they were fully booked. Thus armed, you go there for your day of indulging, not before checking twice that you'll not arrive before the opening time. As, again, you did last time.

I don't know if it is appropriate to say that the heaven broke loose, but I don't care, for that was the feeling I had. I went to several saunas, pools, whirlpools (it's true, it's fun and challenging to catch a fart in them), steam baths, with fragrances or just plain, etc etc. But, no matter how great the spoiling of my body was, the mind's rewards were even greater, for I've learned several lessons.

First of all, I realised why I am going to buy myself an fucking overpriced iPhone to replace the open-source Android I have now. It's about the quality of things for which you pay. Let me explain this: during the whole day I took a few naps and it really felt heavenly. Why did it feel like that? Simple, because I paid shit loads of money for that sleep. The naps were better than the ones I have at home, for free (quite seldom, to be honest) and  faaaar better than the ones I take at work, for which I'm getting paid (not more than 3 per day, though). The difference is self explanatory.

The second lesson that the day at the sauna taught me was to avoid prejudices. As I said, I booked a massage. Actually I booked two. A foot massage and a full body one (I leave it to the male's imagination to unravel the mystery of the happy ending of the latter one). The foot massage is actually a lay term for what they call, more expensively, reflexology. I felt the need of tempering my thirst for knowledge and I asked the guy about it. It went about like this:

me: why is this foot massage called reflexo-massage?
him: because it's an ancient technique that comes from China.
me (still feeling like a donkey trying to master the multiplication table): Ok, but why reflexology? Why do they use this word?
him (getting a bit in a scholar mood): because the foot is a mirror of your body. It...
me (in my head): Omfg! Didn't they have logic in school? Is this guy good for nothing?

Anyway, before I finished my patronising inner thought the guy started to knead my feet and, Omg!, it did it sooooooo well then in an instant I fell in one of those on-and-off sleeps and began to dream the dreams. Clearly, iPhone it is!

Same guy gave me the full massage later on. So, my dear fellow dirty-mind-a-joy-forever's, no tits caressing my body to the full, but it was all for the best, it just spared me the embarrassment of falling asleep among some voluptuous naked breasts. But, what this guy did, brought me to the top of wisdom. All of the sudden I knew not only the sense of life, the meaning of the universe, and how to make a decent tie knot. I even knew what to do when (when, not if!) I hit the jackpot at the lottery: I will hire my own army of masseurs, to have them repeated this experience to me whenever I'd wish.

And I'll surely cherry pick the best ones, most highly qualified and professional. The D cups!

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